tought times...

Where do I begin?

These past two months have been some of the hardest times I've had to endure in my so called poker career. Nothing at all seems to be going my way, and I can't exactly tell you why this is all happening. I'm not sure if it's my play or lack there of that is causing me to lose day in and day out, or if it really is just variance rearing its ugly head again. If thats the case, where variance seems to kick in every other month and take a toll on me mentally and physically... then I'm just not sure if "poker" is the answer for me. I just dont think my skin is thick enough to put myself through this kind of torture this constantly. Maybe it's time to be real and be honest with myself... maybe I need to open up my eyes and see that this just wasn't meant to be.

When I moved up to San Francisco in February, I'll be honest, I thought it was going to be the start of my poker fame and fortune. I thought I would go on to win huge mtt's, dominate cash games, live financialy secure, and just "live" the dream life. I thought I would travel the world playing poker and playing in WSOP and WPT events, making millions. I was blinded by other players success... I thought hey if they can do it, so can I. And being the over-competitave, ingnorant, egotistical person that I am... I wasn't going to let anybody tell me otherwise nor was I going to let anything else get in the way of my vision and dreams.

I thought that my plan was full proof and within months i'd be rich. I mean I started getting coached from a professional, I was learning alot and winning alot at the same time. I thought I had payed my dues for the last two and a half years cutting my teeth trying to learn this game. All of the hard work, time, and dedication I put into it, I figured would have to pay off now. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew everything about the game that would lead me to success...

Next thing you know... I'm losing hundreds of hundreds dollars by the day... money that could easily make a huge impact on my current financial state. My biggest winning day (over the span of 2 months) aside from doing good in a mtt... was a plus fourty dollars day.

I was coming up short in all of the spots that matter... taking 4th in a big mtt and blowing the chiplead 4 handed... possibly missing out on an extra $4,000 payday. Taking 8th in a $50 mtt where 1st was $9,000+. Getting 30th out of 2,000+ in the $5 rebuy while I was in 4th place chip position and made some terrible plays against the chipleader to make an early exit... who knows... I possibly missed out on 8k there.

These are the things that really get to me, thinking about what could have been if I could have just sucked out that one time... or win that 60/40 for a huge chiplead, maybe If I didnt lose that huge pot where I was a dominating favorite to win, What if I won that one coinflip 4 handed... all of these shortcomings where all of the time I have been let down one way or another, wether It was my own mistakes or just bad luck... It took a toll on me mentally. In a big way.

So what now?

Im left here with my confidence and my dreams shattered. Wondering how much more pain and suffering I can put myself through before I have to give up on this and live with myself knowing that I failed giving it my all.

I'm not really sure of what I should do now.

One thing that I am certain of though, I could not put myself in position to have to rebuild from scratch all over again. If I go bust or close to it one more time... I'm sure it will be the last. And that will be that.